Editor’s Note: This post was updated after our return to the US.
First, let’s be completely clear. I hate the term “trailing spouse” because it implies that I am completely dependent on my husband. Well, guess what? In terms of living abroad, it is completely true. We live in Germany. Without him, barring kilos of paperwork, I cannot live here. It’s his job that secures us a beautiful life here in Frankfurt.
Over the past 18 months, I have come to terms with the phrase. Because there are many of us, it makes it a little easier to embrace the role. The key is making friends and finding your “tribe” early on.
Within weeks, I met women who, in previous places, were nurses, lawyers, social workers, business owners, bankers, and consultants. However, at some point, we all made a similar decision to put our careers on pause to make this move.
To hear more about lessons learned from this move to Germany, I am featured on the ExpatCast podcast where I talked with Nicole about Moving Abroad with Teenagers, along with how to come to terms with my role as a trailing spouse.
The History of this Trailing Spouse
In order to fully understand how I got here, let me explain some history. I spent several years as a child living in Munich, Germany. That experience changed me, and I wanted very badly to live abroad again. My husband took a job with the U.S. government shortly after we got married, and our adventures began. After several years abroad in Qatar and Sweden when the kids were babies, our expat life was suddenly cut short due to foreign events, and sadly, we came back to Virginia.
A few years after our return home, my husband hit a career crossroads. Together, we decided we wanted to live abroad again. That decision meant transitioning into a new job position for my husband, which included a solo move to Afghanistan. I temporarily became a single mom for that year.
After six years, a lot of hard work and networking, we finally moved to Germany.
Related: How to (Nearly) Master Traveling with Teenagers
Yoga Mornings & Ladies Who Lunch: Trailing Spouse Misconceptions
Being a trailing spouse or expat wife has its stereotypes. People think it’s all fun, games, and happy hours. Don’t get me wrong there are certainly lots of fun and ‘happy hours.’ However, moving to a new country is really hard and the older you get, the harder it gets. You get less ballsy about trying new things.
Having kids certainly also changes the adventure outlook, especially when everything takes five times longer than it should. Kids are already work. But when you throw in figuring out to get them school supplies, take them to the doctor, or find their favorite foods at the grocery store, it’s going to take more time and energy in a new country.
The upside is trailing spouses are resilient and resourceful, and we can certainly thrive as an expat spouse. We network like crazy to figure it all out. And it’s way more fun to figure out a new place with someone else who’s just as confused, scared, and out-of-place as you.
Related: How to Help Teenagers Adjust to Life Abroad
Advice I Would Give to My Former Self (and Other Trailing Spouses)
1. Make the Decision as a Family to Move
In order to have a happy and successful move abroad, everyone needs to be on board. Mom, dad, and the kids (if they are old enough). Even with a wonderful community back home and lots of friends, we were craving change. Our part of the U.S. tends to be a little hyper competitive, and we all needed a break from it. Together we explored where to live which would include good schools and work opportunities for me.
Teenagers can be a little harder to convince for a big change like an international move so it’s important to make sure they are part of the decision and planning process.
When deciding where to move from Germany, the process was super tricky. My son would be starting his senior year of high school and my daughter her junior year, meaning where we went needed good schools. They had both become accustomed to the freedom of moving in Germany via train so finding a place where they could flourish as teens with activities was important, too. All that being said, our location and job choices were quickly limited when you list all of the things you need in a new posting.
Related: An Eye-Opening Experience: What I Learned From My First Year in Germany
2. Understand Why You Made the Move
People make choices to move for all kinds of reasons: new experiences, new cultures, new language, better job, better schools, etc. While it may seem silly, verbally declare why you are moving. For us, there was one reason: We wanted the kids to experience world travel and live in a different culture.
In order to do this, I would most likely need to pause my career and my husband temporarily sacrificed upward career advancement. To be clear, neither of us moved for our jobs. We moved for the kids. Once we stated that, it made other decisions easier to make.
Related: Podcast Interview: The Germany Experience with The Teen Perspective
3. Give Yourself Plenty of Time to Emotionally Adjust
Moving to another country is overwhelming especially when you don’t understand the language and culture. Things such as setting up Internet, cell phone, bank accounts, and driver license can take months.
It is the nature of the beast that upon arrival to new country, the full-time employed spouse scampers off to work, children (if old enough) head to school, and the trailing spouse is responsible for making new country a home.
My biggest mistake when moving to Germany was trying to make the move, get settled into our new home, and start immediately into a new remote job role.
Related: What I Will Miss Most After Leaving Germany
4. Be Creative About Job Hunting
The longer we live this life, the more dual-income households I meet. This can be challenging for the spouse who isn’t moving for his/her job. Don’t lose hope. We lived in three countries during my career, and with a ton of work, I found jobs in all three.
For background, I work in marketing. Before our first tour abroad, I made more money than my spouse. As we were moving to Germany after many years here, I was also making more money than he. I knew moving to Germany I wouldn’t be anywhere near the same salary. The good news is there is hope to find a job with some creativity and a lot of initiative.
One upside to this post-COVID world is remote work is so much easier to find and widely accepted. Now with all the tools and processes in place, many companies don’t think twice about hiring employees anywhere. In fact, now back in the US, every job I applied for is remote.
However, getting a job on the local economy is doable in some countries, and it’s the best way to immerse yourself in the culture and make friends. But you may need to think outside the box a bit. In Doha I had two jobs. I found a job at a local PR agency that was happy to have someone new to write press releases and attend local events. In addition, the local American school needed someone to help analyze and report out on their parent and student quarterly survey data. For both companies, it was easy for them to hire and pay. Not all countries are that simple in hiring. For example, while Germany has a reciprocity agreement in theory, in reality, there is so much red tape and bureaucracy that I realized by the time I would get all the paperwork completed and hire a lawyer for the tax complications it would be time to go home. In the end, I found the perfect job at my kids’ international which was labeled under German law’s “mini job” category. That rolled into a full-time consulting gig to redesign their website. In the end, it was a win for them and me.
Related: Grocery Shopping in Germany: The Good, The Bad, and The Confusing
5. Enjoy the New Experience
This bit of advice seems like a no brainer, but for a type A personality like myself, it can be challenging. Once we got settled in a bit, I needed to remind myself to savor each experience. Our last overseas tour was cut short, and my biggest regret was not embracing the here and now. At any minute we could be called home or any number of other things could go off the rails.
Quickly, I began volunteering for things at school, signing up for outings and activities, and saying yes to things like playing badminton (which I never played) with a new group of ladies.
